There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If I die, sorry about rent.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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