An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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