DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
