My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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