so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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