omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
