I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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