Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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