it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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