In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
