I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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