winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
