oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
