If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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