At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
