I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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