We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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