yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dicks are not precious.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
