she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
