I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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