i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
im calling her cock vulture from now on
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
