plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
