I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
