You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
