I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Even my vagina gasped.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
