ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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