I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
