I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
