Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
