i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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