why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
