I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
