I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
