well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
