he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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