You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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