I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
