Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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