My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it glows. i had to have it.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
