you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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