One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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