oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
don't judge my taste in strippers
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
