fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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