Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
