I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
