Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Randomize