Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
