Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
