i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I will pee on everything he values.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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