i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
