Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
