I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Randomize
