4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I supernannyed him into submission
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
