I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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