I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Two words: blizzard sex
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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