Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
